


I Mean, It Only Took Dying, Right?

by MattedZamo



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, That was a spoiler, and trixie dies, but they meet in heaven, can anyone tell i used to watch an almost insane amount of supernatural before, katya dies, mostly angst, tw: death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-14 22:37:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13599882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MattedZamo/pseuds/MattedZamo
Summary: It takes death for Trixie and Katya to realize that they were in love with each other.





	I Mean, It Only Took Dying, Right?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay listen, I used to be huge SPN trash before i settled into RuPual's Drag Race and the idea popped in my head and now its popped in your feed.  
> Spoiler alert (that's very important to those who are uncomfortable with the subject) both Trixie and Katya die.  
> I CANNOT. STRESS. THIS. ENOUGH.  
> They die.  
> There's a brief description of Trixie's death and a brief description of Katya in the hospital.  
> This is also written primarily from Trixie's third person pov which was an accident.  
> Also also: this isn't beta read, i got impatient. Love you Krys!

**_April 1 st, 2017 _ **

_“Her name’s uh Beatrix ‘Trixie’ Mattel.”_

_“How’d she die, doctor?”_

_“From the looks of it asphyxiation.”_

_“Well it doesn’t look like there was a struggle with anyone else, was it from herself?”_

_“I can’t say for sure, officer but it’s not a possibility I’ll rule out just now. I’ll send in the autopsy report soon enough.”_

Trixie watched the police officers and medical examiner rummage through what used to be her apartment, embarrassed at both the condition of how her old home looked and both and how she accidentally killed herself.

“Uh I know I probably shouldn’t be questioning the lord’s decision and what not but-“

“Shouldn’t you be in hell?” the sassy angel beside her finished for her.

“Yeah.”

“Well it was an accident; you didn’t start doing…that with the intention of ending your life.”

“But I’ve loved women all my life. I’m a lesbian.” That had to count for something didn’t it? Her mom and pastors had said so and they were the ones who took the time to read the bible.

“God knows that, he doesn’t count that as a sin. The point was for humans to love humans.”

“I’ve lusted before.” She blushed at the thought of the woman that flashed in her mind at her statement.

“Yes honey you have, but you have also loved.”

“I have?”

“Oh my father yes you have.” The angel beside looked like he was very close to hitting her. Did angels even believe in violence?

“Alright Mr. Know-It-All, who have I loved?”

“The same person you thought of when you said you lusted before.”

 

^

 

Heaven wasn’t all that bad, Trixie had to admit. She didn’t have much of an appetite anymore and when she asked for wings, the angel, whose name was Azreal, laughed in front of her face. “Only the _original_ angels get wings honey.” Pfft, whatever.

The saying “little slice of heaven” had turned out to be true. She got her own room, which was expanded into her childhood home, with her bedroom decorated the way it was before she left for the city. It was a modern day lesbian dream bedroom, with posters of Lana del Rey, Stevie Nicks, bikini clad posters of Beyoncé and Rihanna and quotes from Marsha P. Johnson. Her floors were wooden and worn, smooth with use and noisy with age and slight deterioration. There were fluffy pink rugs in front of her bed and door. Her window opened up to the old fields that used to be behind her house before it was cut down sometime during middle school. The timeline was messed up, but she didn’t care, she loved those fields, the wild flowers and wheat and grass bringing inspiration to all those times she had attempted at visual arts. She wasn’t very good, but she didn’t care.

However the one thing she did notice was that her twin sized bed was now a queen.

“Hey, whats the deal with the bed size change?”

“In due time, you shall see.” Azreal responded with a look that held a shit eating grin and conveyed the message that he knew something she didn’t.

She sighed in response after he left.

She spent the rest of the week in her home, wondering from room to room. There were three bedrooms, and two and a half bathrooms in the whole house. The living room was smaller than she remembered, the kitchen being the culprit to the size reduction. She didn’t understand why the kitchen had grew, she never had much interest in it, but she didn’t dare ask Azrael about it, knowing that sass master loved to be cryptic with his answers.

She never found herself bored during her time there and it was interesting. Night and day happened when she wanted it to be, losing all concept of time with she had heard numerous wasn’t real in the first place. All forms of entertainment were available, all her favorite shows on the grand TV in the living room, all the books she read and wanted to read in the book shelf in her room, although it only filled three of the five shelves. There was a radio in all the rooms, including the bathroom, right above the cabinet that held every makeup product she ever loved. 

 

**_October 3 rd, 2017 _ **

On Sundays, or on days which Azrael told her it was a Sunday, an angel would come and teach her a page from the Bible. At first she found it comical, since her belief in him had dwindled something between 9th and 10th grade, but the angel, Lucas, was gentle with his teachings. By her fourth lesson, she was fully invested in what he had to say. He always encouraged her to read some by herself, since she basically had all the time in the world, but whenever she tried, she always ended up asleep.

“Hey Lucas, you’ve been here since like the dinosaurs, how come you don’t have wings?” Trixie asked one afternoon. They were taking a break from his teachings and sharing some tea. That day she had chosen a hibiscus, white peach blend that was absolutely delicious.

Lucas chuckled softly, a soft laugh that reminded her of how her grandfather used to do that whenever she said something slightly ignorant. A gentle laugh with no judgment. “I’m not completely sure about the dinosaur’s part, but yes I have been here an awful long time I suppose. Although, it never feels that way, time not being a thing of relativity up here. But I don’t have wings because I’m not what’s called an ‘OGA’.” His voice was smooth, warm and low. Calming and firm. Something she had no problem listening to for hours on end.

“What’s an OGA?”

“’Original Angel’”

“What does that even _mean_?” Irritation lined her question, something she hadn’t meant to do, but was tired of the undefined term being used with her as an explanation to why a handful of angels had wings.

“It means angels that God Himself created, not humans who became angels.”

“Oh. I guess that makes sense.”

“Yes I suppose so. If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go my place now.”

“Of course, let me walk you out.”

The two walked to the door, Trixie opening it letting the intense bright light blind her and Lucas momentarily. He stepped out, wishing her a good and productive week, promising to see her whenever Sunday reached her again. When she closed the door and turned around, an angel was right there looking at her.

“Oh shit! Who are, no, what, I, what?” She stammered. Was it possible to get a heart attack when she was already dead?

“Come with me please. We have a viewing to go to.”

“Oh. Sure.”

A viewing was something that Azrael had described as _stalking the living._ She could request one at any time, which she used generously. She found herself watching her mother a lot, finding strength in watching how she pushed herself to move past her eldest daughter’s unanticipated death. However, she had never been requested to go to one.

They left her slice, walking down a long hallway to the blue door that opened to shorter hallway that housed different viewing rooms. She knew the routine, just not the angel.

“So,” she started, “what’s your name?”

“Michael.”

“Oh. You have wings?”

“All OGA’s do. I’m in your directory.”

She laughed nervously, the tension and awkwardness become thicker as they approached the blue door. “I don’t really look at that thing all that much.”

“That much is obvious.”

“Well then grumpy, why’d you pull me out my place?”

“I was only told to take you out of your place,” he opened the viewing hall door, then turned sharply to the first door on the right, “bring you here,” he gestured for her to step into the small space, “and return you back.” Michael finished with conviction. Trixie stopped her questioning and turned her attention to the screen.

All viewings started the same, the image was blurry while it tried to find what was requested to be seen, the people always the last thing to be seen clearly. She had a bird’s eye view of what appeared to be someone’s hospital room. Panic struck her, thinking it to be one of her sisters, or even worse, her mom, laid up in the bed.

But the image cleared and it showed Katya, with multiple tubes coming from her chest, mouth and arms. She wasn’t looking good.

A doctor squatted down next to her mom which Trixie was just no realizing was holding Katya’s hand and crying softly, probably willing her only child to wake up. Trixie listened in, wanting to hear what the doctor had to say, _“Mrs. Zamo, it’s not looking good for your daughter. Her brain isn’t showing signs of activity, I’m afraid her fall and the time it took for her brain to swell caused her to fall into a vegetative state. It’s some sort of luck she was brought here in time to put in breathing and feeding tubes, but there isn’t much we can do.”_

 _“My Yekaterina told me she would hate to be a vegetable, said she rather die. Is she a vegetable?”_ Mrs. Zamo asked through her tears. The cries of a broken heart always got to Trixie, and she found herself getting chocked up watching the scene before her.

 _“Yes Mrs. Zamo.”_ Mr. Zamo came into the room, holding a paper, approaching his wife, placing his hand on her shoulder. _“Moya lyubov'.”_ They always spoke in their native tongue to each other, but Trixie had picked up a phrase or two during her year with Katya. She’s pretty certain he called her his love, something he did often.

She watched as Mrs. Zamo took the paper and read it carefully, and grimace. Trixie had a fleeting suspicion of what it might be, but hoped it wasn’t what she thought it was. _“A pen please.”_ Was all Trixie heard before her feed was cut to a new one, this one of her mother praying to her. She was saying something, with a very attractive man beside her on her bed, but Trixie wasn’t taking a word she was saying because she quickly grew furious, turning to the angel beside her. Her surprise to find Azrael there instead of Micheal.

“What was that for Rael?! What’s gonna happen to her?! And don’t give me that ‘wait and see’ shit Rael because I swear I will literally beat you!” Trixie yelled at him, knowing she was probably interrupting someone else viewing, but not caring.

“You sound a bit ungrateful that your mother is taking the time to talk to you and a lot more concerned for your old fuck buddy.”

Trixie was taken aback by how his smug words were correct; she ignored her mother and showed she cared deeply about something she said multiple times was just her fuck buddy. She was tired and all she wanted to do was go back to her slice.

 

^

 

She stayed in bed, willing it to stay dark and it did. The field wilted, appearing the way it always did during the middle of the winter, dead and waiting for some form of life. She kept the room cold, and piled on the blankets, but stayed in just a thin shirt and small shorts under the covers. Thoughts of Katya swirled her mind, each leaving the one question she hadn’t been able to shake solidify further. _Did she love her?_

She wasn’t sure.

She thought about when they spent the day in Santa Monica beach, doing so on a whim and forgetting the sunscreen. Their skin was horribly burned, to the point where blisters formed days later. It had been gross, but after stockpiling on Aloe plants, pain killers and junk food, they stayed in Trixie’s house, completely naked and high for days until their skin stopped hissing whenever it was touched.

She thought about the holidays they spent together. Ringing in the New Year drunk off champagne and sloppily fucking until they passed out. Spending Valentine’s Day sugar high off chocolate and declaring the next day “cheap chocolate day” and unofficial federal holiday; calling out of work and raiding stores to buy as much candy to last them until Halloween. She remembered St. Patrick’s Day, getting completely shit faced while Katya just sat back and watched her, and remembering the day after, hungover to hell and back and cringing at the videos Katya shot of her, begging her not to show anyone.

She remembered the way Katya’s parents and her mom had both loved seeing the two of them together, how they proclaimed they were certainly love birds, frowning when Trixie and Katya both rejected that idea.

But was it such a bad idea?

There had been many gentle moments; perhaps twice more than those times they just straight tried to screw each other brains out.

Trixie turned over, burying her head even further into her pillow. Wishful thinking made her catch a whiff of Katya, a fleeting scent, one of cold air, lavender and cigarette smoke. Katya always had a faint scent of cold air; heavy, and ever present. Memories of Katya being tender with her, taking her time to make Trixie come apart, of holding Trixie into the morning and Trixie holding her right back. She thought of how they took care of each other, mentally and physically, making sure the other was okay and doing whatever was possible to care if the other wasn’t okay.

_Okay so maybe they were friends with benefits…_

Her thoughts were interupputed when she heard the familiar woosh of wings in her bedroom.

“Go away whoever you were.” She mumbled under the blanket she was hiking up her face.

“You’ve been in this exact same spot for three day and four nights Trixie.” Azrael said. He sounded softer than usual, his sass not there. She hated it.

“I thought time didn’t matter up here.”

“It doesn’t. Usually.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“The problem is I need you to stop being a brat, and put some clothes on. Meet me downstairs, there’s someone who needs to see you before they go rogue.” He left after he said that.

She contemplated just staying in bed for the rest of eternity with just her thoughts, but knew he had it in him to just pluck her out of bed and plop her wherever he needs her to be. So she got up and put on a floral gown, that was from her neck down to the floor and had long sleeves. It was mostly pink, with yellow and white flowers all across the fabric. She tied on the matching belt and snapped her fingers to make her long hair puff then curl into waves down her back. She decided to go barefoot.

She met Azrael in front of the door, he gave her the once over and shrugged his shoulders then opened the door.

They didn’t go far, they went to the door right next to hers and he opened it. When she stepped inside, she was stepping inside her old apartment, and the sound of a familiar Russian pop cover was all she heard. What she smelled was her favorite strain of marijuana and she noticed a dense cloud of fog heavy in the air.

The music cut followed promptly by an all to familiar voice screaming “HEY” coming from the direction of the back bedrooms.

Trixie was frozen in place. _No, she couldn’t, no,_ shouldn’t _be here! She’s not, it’s not possible, she’s still down on Earth, she’s-_ Katya stomped into the living room stopping at the entrance of the hallway that led to the kitchen, bedrooms, and bathroom- _she fucking is here._

“Katya?” Trixie could only choke out a whisper.

Katya ran to her, enveloping her in a hug, kissing her face all over, while Trixie laughed and cried at her response, returning Katya’s hug.

“Trixie, oh Trixie, Trixie, Trixie, Trixie…”

 

^

 

They were back in Trixie’s slice, still holding hands which she found comforting.

They sat down on her couch, both unsure what to say.

“So how long have you been up here?”

“Four days.”

“What have you done so far?” She hated being so formal, but Trixie wasn’t ready to spill what was on her mind, what had been gnawing at her since _that_ viewing.

“I’ve been to a few viewings, cursed out a few angels, and smoked a whole bunch of weed…can’t seem to get high…the more I smoke….doesn’t work up here. I’ve tried on every outfit imaginable, I wanted my red lipstick but I can’t-“

“Oh!”

Trixie jumped up and ran to the downstairs bathroom that housed the one makeup item she never understood was there in the first place- Katya’s red lipstick. She grabbed it and ran back to her, holding out in front of her like a proud child. Katya chuckled and took from her, flipping the tube over in her hands, smiling softly before looking sadly up at Trixie.

“I was really sad when you died Trixie. I- when you cut me off from what we had, it hurt, but I was comforted when you told me you just needed some time to figure what we even were. But when your mom told me you died I-“ She looked down, wiped the tears from her eyes, the running snot from her nose. She cleared her throat and tried again as Trixie knelt in front of her, “I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I already _missed_ you _so fucking much_ and to know you were never coming back. I didn’t want to suffer, I didn’t want that pain, of knowing I had so many years before I saw you again. I drank so much and I wasn’t even sure why. And then I stopped, it was so hard but I stopped, and I thought about and fuck Trix, I loved you. And I still do. And what kills me even more than I already am, is that I don’t know if you even feel the same.”

Trixie sat on the floor, her knees hurting her, hiking up her gown to sit cross legged. She took a few deep breaths and decided to let Katya have it. “Katya I saw when you were in the hospital, however many days ago. Your mom had a paper in her hands and she asked for a pen and the feed got cut because my mom was praying to me. She was trying to tell me something, but I didn’t hear anything because I was so angry that I couldn’t see what happened to you. It was bad, the doctor said you were pretty much brain dead. And I stayed in bed and I just remembered so much, how we cared for each other, how we knew each other so well. That year? Together? The best. From that day in Santa Monica, to Christmas with both our families. I’m so sorry I never realized how much I loved you before.” She took several deep breathes as a conclusion and looked up into Katya’s eyes.

 

^

 

In bed, they held each other, in the light that looked like the sun was still rising even though they had been there hours since their confessions of love.

Trixie kissed the top of Katya’s head for the hundredth time, and certainly not the last.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to show you how much I love you.”

Katya snuggled furthermore into Trixie, speaking into her chest, “We have eternity now baby girl.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on Tumblr! @mattedzamo
> 
> please tell me what you think, I might do another one of these but I just want to know if this is good.


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